A list of quotations made by Noah Puckerman, portrayed by Mark Salling.

Season One

Chicks don't have prostates! I looked it up.

—Puck to Finn, Pilot

What do you want me to do? Apologize? That's not me, dude.

Puck to Finn, Pilot

So, what, you're joining Homo Explosion now?

Puck to Finn, Pilot

Buenos nachos, Mr. Schue.

Puck, Showmance

Are you kidding? Those skirts are crunchy toast. Santana Lopez bent over in hers the other day, and I swear I could see her ovaries.

Puck to Jacob, Showmance

Cougar: Is that a nipple ring?
Puck: Yeah, I'm pretty rock n' roll.

Puck, Acafellas

There are moms at your gigs, right?

Puck to Ken, Acafellas

Dude, my bowels have better moves than you.

Puck to Finn, Acafellas

That's 'cause I'm a stud, dude. I could wear a dress to school and people would think it's cool.

Puck to Finn, Preggers

What the hell does Beyoncé have to do with football?!

Puck to Finn, Preggers

So we're taking coaching advice from Lance Bass now?

Puck to Finn about Kurt, Preggers

I knew it. You're in love with Kurt.

Puck to Finn, Preggers

'Sup MILF.

Puck to Quinn, Preggers

Well call the Vatican! We got ourselves another Immaculate Conception!

Puck (about Quinn's pregnancy), Preggers

I'd take care of it, you know. You too.

Puck to Quinn (about Quinn's baby), Preggers

Yeah, a gay team. A big, gay team of dancing gays.

Puck to Finn, Preggers

Dude, we'll be jokes for the rest of our high school lives!

Puck to Finn (about dancing to Beyoncé), Preggers

Hey, ankle-grabber, I had sex with your mother. No seriously, I cleaned your pool, then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets.

Puck to opposing football player, Preggers

That Rachel chick makes me wanna light myself on fire, but she can sing.

Puck, The Rhodes Not Taken

Sue: So, your last name is Puckerman, huh?
Puck: Shalom!

Puck, Throwdown

Rachel was a hot Jew and the good Lord wanted me to get into her pants.

Puck, Mash-Up

Are you questioning my badassness? Have you seen my guns?

Puck to Rachel, Mash-Up

Puck: Wanna make out?
Rachel: Sure!

Puck and Rachel, Mash-Up

Quinn: I don't care if that baby comes out with a mohawk, I'll go to my grave swearing that it's Finn's.

Puck: It would be pretty cool if it came out with a mohawk.

Quinn: You're such an egghead.

Puck: I'm not.

Quinn: (Smashes egg on his head)

Puck and Quinn, Wheels

(Thinking) I love the days when I don't wear underwear. Full Commando.

Puck, Ballad

I bet you thought that Bert and Ernie were just roommates too.

Puck to Mercedes, Kurt, Artie, and Tina, Ballad

I want to be with you

Puck to Quinn, Sectionals

Puck: I'm not breaking up with you. I'm just saying please stop super-sizing because I don't dig on fat chicks.
Quinn: I'm pregnant.
Puck: And that's my fault?

Quinn and Puck, Hell-O

Will (After writing 'Madonna' on board):"What comes to mind when you see that name?
Rachel: Genius.
Kurt: Icon.
Puck: Hall of Fame MILF.

The Glee Club, The Power of Madonna

I think we're gonna need a new baritone, 'cause Finn would like to become Finnessa.

Puck, The Power of Madonna

God, I’m so tired of people judging me for a few mistakes I’ve made. I’ve tried to be a good guy, I go to school and I say “be cool Puck, be nice” but by second period I’ve got a fire extinguisher in my hand and I’m spraying some dweeb with it and I don’t know how I got there.

Puck to Rachel, Bad Reputation

Puck: I feel like that guy who lost all his hair and lost all his strength.
Santana: Samson?
Puck: Agassi.

Puck and Santana, Laryngitis

Get ready, black girl from glee whose name I can't remember right now: The Puckster is about to make you his.

Puck, Laryngitis

Puck: "Quinn and I weren't dating. She was dating someone else; we just did the nasty. And she understood you can't tie me down. I’m a sex shark; if I stop moving, I die."

Puck, Laryngitis

Puck: (to Mercedes) "Girl, you got more curves than a Nissan ad."

Puck, Laryngitis

Puck: "My mom found a mole on my head when she was washing my hair on Friday."
Santana: "Your mom still washes your hair?"
Puck: "She started crying about sunblock and how she’s always telling me to wear a hat when I’m cleaning pools. So she made me go see Dr. Freelander, the dermatologist, he said he had to shave my head to get a closer look at it. It was nothing! They maimed me over a freakin’ freckle!"

Puck and Santana, Laryngitis

Puck: "I mean, it’s just a mohawk, right? I’m still Pucksaurus.."
Santana: "Actually, I don’t know if it’s the missing mohawk or the whining, but I’m totally not turned on by you right now."

Puck and Santana, Laryngitis

Puck: You're wrong. It's a really good name. It's a rockstar name.
Quinn: You wanna name our daughter Jack Daniels? She's a girl.
Puck: Okay, fine - whatever. Jackie Daniels.

Puck and Quinn, Theatricality

Puck: "They called Paul Stanley 'The Starchild' because he was romantic or something but that doesn't really explain my whore lips."

Puck, Theatricality

Puck: "While Jackie Daniels is a great name for like a power boat or something, it's not right for a baby girl."

Puck to Quinn, Theatricality

Puck: "I know you're giving her up, but before you do I think you should name her Beth. If you'll let me, I'd really like to be there when she's born. I'd really like to meet her."

Puck to Quinn, Theatricality

Puck: "Can I be shirtless under this apron?"

Puck, Funk

Revenge? Fear? The merciless infliction of pain? These are my kingdoms.

Puck, Funk

Will: Funk. Use it in a sentence... Come on. Rachel?
Rachel: This cheese smells funky.
Puck: That's cause it's fromunda cheese.

Will, Rachel and Puck, Funk

You're not going to fondle us, are you Mr. Ryerson?

Puck, Funk

Quinn: Did you love me?
Puck: Yes, especially now.

Quinn and Puck, Journey

Puck: "Life's just a bunch of experiences, you know? You don't get a medal at the finish line for being good. You just get dead."

Puck, Journey

(At the beginning of this year...)
Puck: I was tossing kids into dumpsters.

Puck to Mr. Schuester, Journey

Season Two

Dude, your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?

Puck to Sam when he firsts sees Sam, Audition

Can you sing with that big mouth?

Puck to Sam, Audition

Let me tell you, chicks DIG singers.

Puck to Sam, Audition

Finn: Something happened to me and I can’t really get into it, but it’s shaken me to my core.
Puck: Oh my God, he's coming out.
Finn: Why, yes, there is a man who's sort of recently come into my life, and that man is Jesus Christ.
Puck: That's way worse.

Puck and Finn, Grilled Cheesus

Oh, I got no problem with the guy. I'm a total Jew for Jesus. He's my number one Heb. What I don't like seeing is people using J-Money to cramp everyone else's style 'cause it seems to me that true spirituality or whatever you want to call it is about enjoying the life that you've been given. I mean, I see God every time I make out with a new chick.

Puck when Finn asks Puck if he has a problem with Jesus, Grilled Cheesus

At this time, I'd like to continue my streak of only doing songs by Jewish artists.

Puck, -Grilled Cheesus

Are you kidding me? I ruled that place. All I did was crack skulls and lift weights all day.

Puck when he comes back from juvie, Never Been Kissed

You two show up at Breadstix tomorrow night around 7 and if we don't find hotter chicks to date, we might show up.

Puck to Santana and Brittany, Never Been Kissed

I flex my left pec, then I flex my right pec, and I say to the guy, ‘Leggo my Eggo.’ And you know what he does? He let’s go of my Eggo!

Puck talking about juvie, Never Been Kissed

You want her? You don’t need any cash for that. She’s free.

Puck to Artie (about Brittany), Never Been Kissed

I don't pay for food. It's my thing, yo. We're gonna dine and dash.

Puck to Artie, Never Been Kissed

You really can't put a dollar amount on the combination of talent plus fear.

Puck to Artie, Never Been Kissed

There's no way I'm going back to juvie. There's no chicks and no kosher meals in that place.

Puck to Artie, Never Been Kissed

Whoa slow down Professor X. I never said anything about liking you.

Puck to Artie, Never Been Kissed

The thing about chicks is that you only have to be a fraction as nice to them as you were mean to them to get them to like you again.

Puck, Never Been Kissed

Have fun taking the short bus home while I take these two ladies back to Chez Puck for a little suckie suckie.

Puck to Artie, Never Been Kissed

Mercedes: How are we supposed to compete against a bunch of adorable old people?

Puck: Are you kidding? Brittle bones. Give one of those old ladies a good luck pat on the rear, it’ll shatter her pelvis.

Never Been Kissed

Watch and learn, young Jedi in a wheelchair.

Puck to Artie, Never Been Kissed

[kisses his muscles] These guns are fully loaded.

—Young Puck, The Substitute

Finn: Dude, what are you doing?

Puck: Kurt got us a substitute, so I'm buttering the floor.

Finn: Are you nuts? Sectionals is in like 2 weeks!

Artie: Hey Gigantor, we're all gonna swap names yo.

Rachel(walks in): Hey did you guys hear something about a substitu.....(slips on buttered floor).

Puck: YES!!! It works!

The Substitute

Holly: Rachel-you suck. You're like a total drag. Has anyone ever told you that?

Puck: I have.

The Substitute

Mr. Schue is the only teacher who has really touched me. Well, other than Mr. Ryerson.

Puck to Sue, The Substitute

Seriously like, we can form a perimeter around you like the Secret Service.

Puck to Kurt, Furt

All I can say is that I didn't steal that soda machine, and if I did, I didn't do it alone.

Puck to Mr. Schuester, Special Education

Mr. Schuester: Glee needs you to be its ambassador.

Puck: More like it’s am-BAD-ASS-ador.

Puck to Mr. Schuester, Special Education

Don't push me Karofsky. You pushed my boy Kurt out of here. Juvie or no, you're already number one on my list to go all Death Star on.

Puck to Karofsky, Special Education

Not the face! Not the face!

Puck to Football Team, Special Education

I have to say, she kind of rocked my world.

Puck (about Lauren), Special Education

Rachel: Have you been working out? Your your arms bigger.

Puck: It's the steriods.

Special Education

Buddha, Allah, Satan, help me!

Puck, Special Education

Are you an angel?

Puck after Lauren gets him out of the port-a-potty, Special Education

Rachel: Wait so everyone knew about this but me?

Santana: Pretty much. Nobody tells you anything because A) You're a blabbermouth and B) We all just pretend to like you.

Puck: That's not true. I kinda like her.

Special Education

Rachel (cheating on Finn with Puck): Is something wrong? Did I bite you again?

Puck: I did this to Finn once before. I can't do it again. I'm sorry. I have to go.

Special Education

Boyfriend troubles. I got that covered. Considering I'm usually the cause of them I'd say I'm an expert.

Puck to Rachel, Special Education

Look after six hours in the Porta-John, Ozzy himself would have turned to God. I prayed. I promised if he got me out of there I would start being nicer to people. Then I realized there was no way I could do that so I changed it to just Jews.

Puck to Rachel, Special Education

[About Bruce Springsteen]... He's on the cover of Times and Newsweek in the same week... those are magazines.

Puck to Football Team, Special Education

I'm not big on reading rulebooks. Actually, I'm not big on reading.

Puck to Mr. Schuester, Special Education

Mr. Schuester: Now, normally I would go to Finn and Rachel in this situation, but I think you might be the most known student in this school.

Puck: There's a method to my madness.

Special Education

Rachel: I can't believe that teacher let those students speak to us like that.

Puck: I can't believe she threw a shoe at us.

A Very Glee Christmas

Mr. Schuester: Things haven’t turned out exactly how I would’ve liked them to this year, but Christmas is all about being grateful for the things that did.

Puck: I thought that was Thanksgiving?

A Very Glee Christmas

Beiste: Why me?

Puck: Well you've got the perfect Santa bodytype.

Beiste: Watch it, Puckerman!

A Very Glee Christmas

This was my Uncle's . . . And the first thing I stole.

Puck donates his watch, A Very Glee Christmas

Finn: We're in Glee club! What's the big deal!?

Strando: It's embarrassing! We're dudes! Getting all hot and bothered about singing a Ke$ha song? It's freaking weird.

Puck: Yeah? Well maybe you'll think it's cooler when I go all Tik Tok on your face.

The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

Puck: Cause I got your girlfriend pregnant. And then I made out with your other girlfriend.

Finn: Yeah.

—Puck to Finn in The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

You’re all a bunch of cowards. Coward losers. You know, this is it. This is the moment of our lives… this is the one we can actually look back and tell our children about. This is our moment to actually win something, and you guys are sitting in the damn stands. I mean, you’re so afraid of being called geeks or losers or gay, that you settle for being nothing.

Puck to the football players, The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

We all know I’m not the smartest guy in the world. But there are two lessons I learned the hard way. One: Never punch a cop. The other one? You can’t choose love. Love chooses you. I mean, I could have any girl I wanted. But here I am in the middle of geometry or English or something and the only girl I’ve got my eye on is a whole lotta woman.

Puck about Lauren, Silly Love Songs

Maybe it’s because she’s constantly insulting me like my mom. Maybe I just dig a chick with curves.

Puck, Silly Love Songs

So please. What do I have to do to get with you.

Puck to Lauren, Silly Love Songs

Can I touch your knockers now?

Puck to Lauren, Comeback

Dude, that haircut makes your mouth look even bigger.

Puck on Sam's Bieber cut, Comeback

Do dudes ever get erections when they wrestle with you?

Puck to Lauren, Comeback

We underestimated the power of the Biebs.

Puck, Comeback

Mr.Schue: Wait,I get the three of you being on the team-
Puck: Because two of them are Asian and Artie wears glasses?

Puck and Mr. Schue, A Night of Neglect

Rachel: You can't be in here, Noah.

Puck: It's cool. I looked through the peep hole I drilled last year to make sure no one was going.

Puck and Rachel, Born This Way

Lauren (talking about Quinn): There's our future queen. A size two teenage dream.
Puck: Baby, we're gonna get you that crown. And I'm gonna be your king.

Lauren and Puck, Born This Way

I wanna throw stuff off the Brooklyn Bridge.

Puck, New York

Puck: I'll have a Manhattan.
Bartender: Do you even know what's in a Manhattan?
Puck: Yeah me, for the first time. Which is why I want to celebrate with a cocktail.

Puck and bartender, New York

Puck: OK, can we just talk about the Jewish elephant in the room? Ask her out dude!
Finn: Who? Rachel? But she's totally into Jesse right now.
Puck: You're in New York, the city of love.
Sam: [mouth full of food] I thought that was Paris.
Puck: Anything's possible here, and you're going to ask her out tonight. Take her out on one of those big dates you see on unwatchable romantic comedies that you grow a vagina if you watch all the way through.

Puck, Finn, and Sam, New York

Season Three

She was the one that got away. Very slowly.

—About Lauren in The Purple Piano Project

God, no.

I. Am. In. HELL.

—About booty camp in I Am Unicorn

Shelby: "How do you know where I live?"

Puck: "I have friends in law enforcement."

Puck and Shelby, I Am Unicorn

Here's a drug test. See? Totally clean. I also haven't had a drink since we last talked, besides beer. I even did some homework. Turns out, Napoleon? Not just a dessert, he was a real dude.

—Puck to Shelby, I Am Unicorn

Puck: (about Beth) Oh my God, she looks like Quinn.

Shelby: And you. She has that same dopey smile.

I Am Unicorn

I was happy to know that she's with you. It made it easier

Puck to Shelby about Beth, I Am Unicorn

I'll do anything. Anything to prove to you that I can be in her life. Please just give me that chance.

Puck to Shelby about Beth, I Am Unicorn

Quinn: You can't be in here. It's the girls' bathroom.
Puck: I'm always here. The stalls are cleaner. Hey, you need to lose the skank act and get it together.
Quinn: Everyone needs to leave me alone because this is who I am.
Puck: You look like a Real Housewife of Reno. I saw Beth.
Quinn: So?
Puck: She's perfect. She looks just like you. Well, the old you.
Quinn: Yeah, well it doesn't matter. We're not parent material.
Puck: We can be.
Quinn: We're never going to be together.
Puck: I don’t care about you, I care about her. I don't want her having questions, or being messed up. She needs you in her life.

—Puck and Quinn, I Am Unicorn

I'm proud of you.

Puck to Quinn, I Am Unicorn

I know I’m supposed to be learning about grammars and stuff, but all I can think about is what color underwear Ms. C is wearing and if she knows how to dance.

Puck about Shelby, Mash Off

Number one, you're hot. Number two, I'm hot. Number three, Beth needs a dad.

Puck listing reasons why he and Shelby should date, Mash Off

Rory: Excuse me, I've never heard of this game of dodging balls. What are the rules?
Puck: Don't. Die.

Rory and Puck, Mash Off

Thanks for the offer but I'd rather raw dog a beehive.

Puck, I Kissed a Girl

I let you down, we all did. We just spent a whole week helping Santana with a secret everybody already knows and not one person took ten seconds to help you. And you’re a freakin’ mess. You have been for three years, ever since I knocked you up. You don’t need a baby or a dude or anyone to make you special. If there’s one person that I’m sure is gonna get the hell out of this town and make something of herself, it’s you.

Puck to Quinn, I Kissed a Girl

Dude, you told them what we were gonna do — you're like a modern-day eggs benedict.

Puck to Blaine, Michael

Puck: We all know why we're here. I've waited 5 years for this. I want ideas for Senior Ditch Day, go!
Kurt: Oh, Gershwin song lines scavenger hunt!
Santana: That sounds like torture.
Puck: I want actual ideas, Kurt.
Mike: Footloose movie marathon. Footloose, Footloose 2011!
Mercedes: What about a non-alcoholic pub crawl?
Puck: It's Senior Ditch Day, not senior citizens ditch day.
Brittany: It's springtime, I'd like to see something give birth.

—Senior Class of WMHS 2012, Big Brother

I would totally put that suit on. Ebay.

—Puck, Saturday Night Glee-ver

Two dudes in one bed is, like confirmed gay.

—Puck, Saturday Night Glee-ver

I called dibs on all the chicks whose boobs aren’t done growing yet.

Puck to Finn, Choke

I might not graduate, but it’s OK because gowns are for ladies and tassels are for strippers.

Puck to a sophomore Cheerio, Choke

I appreciate the bro-vention, but I just told her that so I could get a sympathy pants massage.

Puck to Finn, Choke

I’m not buying you. Just give me a D minus and I’ll tickle your thighs.

Puck to his teacher, Choke

I'm not good at world geography but I'm real good at female geography.

Puck to Finn, Choke

You guys showed me what it’s like to be a man. Not just last night, but for four years. Even you, Blaine.

Puck to Blaine, Choke

Season Four

You think you're a bad-ass, nailin a bunch of chicks, beating some punks in the cafeteria. I'm the original bad-ass and I had my first threesome at seven and once I beat up a police horse.

Puck to Jake, Britney 2.0

What's up half bro with the afro?

Puck to Jake, Dynamic Duets

Dude, if you start crying, I'm gonna kick your ass. Group hug!

Puck to Finn, Thanksgiving

I know how to spell. Leave my brother A-L-O-N.

Puck to Kitty, Sadie Hawkins

Don't worry little brother from a different coloured mother, I'll make her go away.

Puck to Jake, Sadie Hawkins

Stay away from my little bro. He’s not interested in your skanky Meow Mix.

Puck to Kitty, Sadie Hawkins

Season Five

Shannon: You're drunk.
Puck: You're beautiful.

Puck (drunk) and Shannon, The Quarterback

Shannon: You don't have to be scared to have feelings.
Puck: That's crap! Of course I do!
Shannon: Why? We're all having 'em!
Puck: Not like mine! No one understands!
Shannon: Understands what? Tell me!
Puck: That if I start crying, I don't think I'll ever stop!

Puck and Shannon, The Quarterback

You know what's tripping me out is this line between the two years. It's his whole life. Everything that happened is in that line.

Puck to Shannon about Finn, The Quarterback

That sweater's legit.

Puck, New Directions

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